I had yet another case of cash register rage this week. Yes, I’m sure you can all note that it’s a silly reason to get mad, there are more important things in life, I should pick my battles, and patience is a virtue. Well, it’s not a virtue I possess. And where is that lack of virtue most frequently tested? At the cash register. So I’ve decided, even though I know it’s for naught and won’t make the slightest difference in the world, to post some tips on cash register etiquette. Please forward these to all your friends who stand in lines, and to all your friends who operate cash registers. No, I am not joking.

Let’s start with the cashiers.

Cash Register Etiquette for Cashiers

• If you open a new line to ease congestion at another line, there is a standard protocol that must be followed. You can’t simply announce that a new line is open, and for people to come on over. This screws the people who SHOULD be next the most, and rewards the people who’ve waited the shortest amount of time. The proper way to open a new line is to find the next person in line, invite them to your register discretely, and enforce the same line ordering that you saw in the prior line.
• Please, for the love of all things holy and good in this world, REMOVE any security clamps that require the jaws of life to extract. Because I can tell you. You don’t want this happening: I get home, I’ve finally decided to get one little cute thing for myself after months of buying clothes for kids who outgrow them a week later. I finally get those nutty kids to bed, and go to enjoy my special, rare purchase. I discover I have to go back to the store, which I don’t have any time to do, just to unlock said purchase. I can assure you. I am putting all sorts of nasty hexes on you and yours at that moment.

I know there are more, but if I’ve missed some of your personal suggestions please comment below.

And hey, we are all responsible for cash register lines that don’t make us all crazy. Cashiers are often doing the best they can (and underpaid badly to do it). What’s even more crucial? That those of us IN the lines behave and, I don’t know, have just some very basic courtesies for our fellow man.

Cash Register Etiquette for Shoppers

• If a cash register opens a new line and you are at the end of a long tail of a line, don’t go. You aren’t next. It’s rude and obnoxious. I am hexing you, too, believe me. Look in front of you. Suggest the people who really are next go first. Don’t be a punk!
• If you have more than a dozen items and you’re just a very slow person, do not use the self checkout lines. We all know you will take a freakin’ hour. And some of us don’t have an hour, you see. That’s why we took our three little items over to the self-checkout. We didn’t want to wait for someone with a big cart full of crap to slowly, painfully ring each item up. Well, actually, to pause with a confused look and stare at each item… because you just aren’t sure how to ring up produce or how to use a credit card or how to write a check. Come on! You’re killing me here! And why are you writing a check anyway? You have HEARD of the debit card, right?

Alright, so dish. What ticks you off in line?

_{Photo of cash register lines, © Ernando Tangi}