Jerry Maguire is on TV right now, and I realized what it’s all about is pretty simplified. Are you after coin or “quan,” which Rod Tidwell describes as “love, respect, community and money?” Personally, I think we’re all better served if we strive for quan.

The Positives of Competition

Don’t get me wrong, I can be competitive. There are some great aspects to competition. It drives us to be better. It pushes us to keep improving, to be creative.

Newspapers are a great example of competition, and how it is needed. Ten years ago, most major markets had more than one newspaper. Most newspapers where I worked  as a reporter had at least one other newspaper covering the same area. We were better reporters for it, and served readers better because of it. Today, there are few markets with more than one newspaper, and I think we’ve seen how the quality and the fight to put readers first has suffered.

When you see competition, it’s all in the attitude. Do you see it as a threat? Or do you see it as a chance to collaborate with someone who has a similar audience? Or, better yet, do you see it as a chance to evaluate what you’re doing and find a way to stand out?

You Can’t Really Compete Anyway

There are millions of blogs out there. More importantly, no one visits just one web site. Think of car dealerships. Why do they cluster together, Ford next to Chevy next to Toyota? They are competitors, right? It’s because they know that people are more likely to go to their dealership if they are close to another dealership.

Are you an island, or part of a community?

You will never be the only one in a niche, or the only one writing about a certain topic, the only one pitching a particular company or the only one offering a particular social media service. It’s impossible. So why waste energy worrying about all the others? I believe this is a self-esteem issue. If someone’s lack of self-esteem will push them to bring others down to elevate themselves, then they have issues that go far beyond the success or lack of success of their endeavors.

Yet it taints the whole community.

The Negatives of Competition

The negatives are pretty significant. For those who have a nasty, competitive attitude, I just can’t imagine they are very happy. For those who end up on the butt end of the nastiness, it can be extremely damaging.

As we are trying to gain more respect for blogging and social media, this vile behavior poisons the entire community. It makes us all look bad. When someone attacks another blogger out of spite or jealousy, that is what the mainstream media writes about (as you may have noticed). If we want respect, we need to deserve it.

Here’s a warning, too, for those of you who are attacking those you see as competition. You might get small gains, and you might win brief battles. You won’t build success on it, and you certainly won’t win what you seem to think is a war. This is social media. People talk. We quickly learn who to avoid, and who isn’t supportive. I just say this: I hope you don’t one day need the community’s support.

That Said, Be Respectful

Where is the line between helping and providing trade secrets? It isn’t always clear where that lies. I would say let’s take it upon ourselves to not put people in awkward positions. I am more than happy to help someone spread the word, or offer a few tips. I have seen and heard of many instances, however, where people seek help that goes beyond the bounds of courtesy even within the community.

I don’t profess to know where that magic line is, but I would say that you shouldn’t ask someone to tell you the ins and outs of how they run their blog or their business. If you need to ask to “pick their brain” or ask for what comes down to trade secrets, you’re asking too much. Be respectful. If you don’t know how to do it, take the time to learn and research it. We don’t like it when companies ask to pick our brains for free, so let’s not ask our fellow bloggers to do the same thing for us.

I would also say to try to be as original as it’s possible to be. Copying someone else is not the way to find success or that amazing sense of creating something that is brilliant. The real secret to success is not looking to what exists, but looking to what should exist and doesn’t yet. Yes, people might get too competitive about new blogs or social media services they see that mimics what they are doing. See above for why I think that is unnecessary. But the reality is that if you are being original, you’ll be stepping on no one’s toes to begin with and you won’t trigger the nasty competitiveness in others.

It’s tough to come up with a new idea, but it isn’t hard to come up with a new spin on an old theme at the very least. Be different. Be innovative. Be creative. Be new.

The Pie is Big Enough for Us All

I can’t help but wonder if people are competitive because they believe the rewards are limited, that there is a maximum amount of success available. That simply isn’t true. There is enough pie for all of us to get a piece, and there’s no need for us to guard our piece viciously, growling at anyone who comes near it.

We all have something of value to offer. Figure out what that is for you, and emphasize it. Your competition should be your own goals, your own mission, your own values, and what you hope to accomplish. All you can do is try, work hard, and be the best you can be.

You cannot control what successes others find, and you shouldn’t want to. Be happy when others find success. Sure, you can have that blinking moment of jealousy, but let it roll right over you and smile. Know that if another blogger’s found it, that simply means you can to.

There is no grand prize winner in this contest.

Just Ignore the Haters

I know it’s tough when someone comes after you, your blog or your business. I’ve found the best thing you can do is be above it. Don’t change who you are because of it. Don’t lower yourself to their behavior. In fact, don’t assume that everything you hear is correct. You might be surprised that, if you reach out to the attacker, you might learn there is more to the story than you realized or heard. You might find you both find more success by working together.

Even if that isn’t the case, if we all ignore the attackers and haters, we weaken them even more. Let’s not give them power by engaging them.

This is What It’s Really About: Community

Before I wrote this post, I asked on Twitter and Facebook for some input. The responses I got, and the conversation it sparked (35 comments so far on my Facebook wall, for example), simply goes to further prove my point that community is the core of all of this. Here are some brilliant gems I got from a simple question asking people what they think of this topic. Here are some of the highlights.

From Amy Clark of Mom Advice:

It is so important to build each other up and not tear each other down. I will admit, I have swallowed a little jealousy a time or two. It is sometimes difficult to see others achieve what you have been dreaming of- the invites, the goodies, the money, the page views, the redesigns, the book deals, the news segments, the magazine features, etc. What I do my best to remember is that I can only be the best me that I can be. I will work harder, compliment others more, recommend my friends for jobs, tip my friends when I see a perfect press request for them, share the linky love, and remember that all the good that I can do will come back tenfold. If it happens to me I will do my best to be gracious, focus on the real purpose of the achievement, and do my best to give whatever I can to my readers. For six years it has been working so I will keep with that formula.

From Christine Koh of Boston Mamas:

Kelby, this issue makes me very sad for reasons shared above, e.g., missing the point that social media is about collaboration and community. What also mystifies me is how pointless the behavior is. It’s not as if being nasty and competitive is going to make other bloggers disappear. One might “get ahead” in an instance here or there, but ultimately it will be an ephemeral effect. And of course, given my belief in karma, I’m fairly certain that kind of behavior will circle back and bite the offender on the rump.

From Katja Presnal of Skimbaco Lifestyle:

Can’t wait to read it Kelby. You know I believe in blogging karma, and while I evangelize about the good karma, I do believe there is such a thing as bad blogging karma as well. The essence of social media is to be social, and be part of community – I don’t think there is long term success without helping others. I understand being competitive when there is a competition, but if you are competitive when you are trying to build a community, there is no way you can win, you will lose big time.

From Trisha Haas of MomDot:

I want to help people, be helped, and connect. That’s it. I do not care if someone has a stupid product on their site or if they have 1000 more visitors than I do, or if they got called to be on TV. I am inspired by those things, not threatened. I hope that people don’t look at the few things I would call {personal} success online and breed any jealousy.

From Audrey McClelland of Mom Generations:

I think it’s fairly safe to say a vast majority of us have witnessed this first-hand. It’s sad because the social media space is so vast and wide. There’s no reason not to help others. The only reason people don’t is because they’re threatened. I’ve always believed this philosophy in life… “what goes around, comes around.” … It’s no coincidence that some of the most successful people in this world – both online and off – have been described as some of the nicest and most kind. It’s a shame some people think pushing people will actually get them ahead… it’s a strange concept.

What do you think? Is there a place for competition in social media? What is or isn’t appropriate? Do you avoid people you know have had a nasty competitive attitude with others?

Photo of racers, © Richard McMillan

So after a flurry of tweets, publicly and in private direct messages, with them today (before they maturely decided to block me), I realized there is an even bigger issue here. Making a mistake is one thing. Sure, that can be terribly damaging. What is really crucial is how you respond to it.

I have seen companies turn a PR nightmare around to actually create loyal fans. It can be done. People remember the response, when done properly, more than they remember the mistake.

I have also seen companies respond poorly, which has a way of making the situation fester. It becomes like a virus, continuing to spread until it can no longer be controlled. This is how PETA has responded.

They have repeatedly been defensive. They repeatedly say what they did wasn’t spam. They repeatedly say what they did was justified because they had a message to get out. Anytime they apologize, it is followed with a “but.” But we got lots of clicks. But we needed to spread the word. But, but, but…

They repeatedly hurt the exact message they are trying to spread by their response to this controversy.

This is exactly why you must hire someone who gets social media to run your social media. I can’t stress this enough! Just because someone is in marketing does not mean they will “get” Twitter. You need someone who’s been immersed in social media spaces, preferably for years. You need someone who understands the rules of engagement, and even more importantly understands the importance of responding properly and responding immediately.

Twitter, more than probably any other space, can damage a reputation in as little as minutes. Do you want someone who doesn’t get it at your social media front line?

How should they have responded? Simple. They should have admitted their mistake. They should have apologized (minus the buts). They should have promised not to spam anymore.

Instead, they not only claim to be justified, but they moved the spamming to Facebook.

This was done after some moms replied that they didn’t care for the methodology of spamming used on Twitter, and after Allie Sullivan did a blog post about it. A Google search showed that Emily Nash is a youth coordinator for PETA, according to her LinkedIn profile.

And again, when @bostonmamas called them on it, PETA still defended their methods:

I really am trying to help them. I really would like to see them do it right. I love animals. Responding properly now will help them spread their message instead of badly damaging their brand and eclipsing their message. If they are bent on ignoring what several people who do get social media are saying, then I hope this will serve as a case study in what not to do for other non-profits and companies in social media spaces.

I think @technosailor put it best:

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Believe me, there are things I could complain about (U.S. Airways and Sheraton, brace thyselves!). But I choose not to in this first post. It can wait.

Bottom line: BlogHer was one of the single coolest experiences of my lifetime because of the people there.

I got to meet @prairiemama for the first time in person. I met her online SEVEN years ago before I even became a mom when I was expecting my first. (KIM?? Are you out there? I know someone took a picture of us together. Have you SEEN it???).

I met @littletechgirl in person for the first time. Chatting with her FOUR years ago while stuck in a bed during my pregnancy with my twins was one of the only things that kept me sane. And now she is a Type-A Mom editor and speaking at my conference. Here we are (and no I am not stoned):

I have been writing for About.com since 2002, and for the second time ever got to meet other guides.

The coolest part was meeting the moms I work with directly. For the first time ever, if you can believe it, I met @mamikaze (the Type-A Mom chief managing editor) and @feelslikehome (the Foodie Mama chief managing editor). Here I am with Astacia, aka @mamikaze:

Both are dear, dear online friends, and it was just amazing to meet them in person finally. I got to room with Tara and another Type-A Mom/Foodie Mama editor, @highimpactmom, and I will always look back and smile when I think of our last night up giggling like schoolgirls. I finally met my chat BFF @slpowell so we could giggle and snark in person instead of miles apart.

I got to hang out with others I have met before, like @ilinap and I who “met” via Twitter while sitting in an Anil Dash session at ConvergeSouth. She eventually became a Foodie Mama, and I’m sure it’s because we met in real life last year and hit it off. She is just coolness, period. At BlogHer, we managed to Twitter-connect in the airport, ride into town together, do lots of complaining about Sheraton, and then later hit a wine bar with @highimpactmom, @mamikaze and @jenniferperillo. This outing was a highlight of the weekend. Don’t we look happy? Believe me when I say there were NO COMPLAINTS there:

Above all, it was amazing throwing a party with my favorite people at BlogHer! The #typeamomfluence party, hosted by Type-A Mom and the amazing concept of Momfluence that was created by Amy Lupold Bair, aka @resourcefulmom, and the uber-cool people of HP like @angelaathp. Here is the cool Whrrl story on the party.

So I don’t know. I have things to complain about. But really? All of these pictures and names I am throwing out? THAT was my BlogHer takeaway. And I’ll take that any day.

- It’s a SiteWarming, so of course there are Door Prizes! Get ready to swoon…

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HP MediaSmart Server LX195 – Starts at $399 o Easy-to-use, low-cost, all-in-one solution for protecting, organizing, sharing and enjoying digital content o Central repository for automatically backing up and accessing digital music, videos, photos and other documents o Designed for use with both Windows and Mac computers o Landing Page: www.hp.com/go/mediasmartserver

GRAND PRIZE…Make a statement with…

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Since I am rambling, perhaps an example would help. I was honored to speak at BlissDom ’09 (and yes, I am the very last of all 200 people who attended to blog about it. Sorry Alli!). Plenty of people have raved about the class act that conference was (and you can be sure I will be first in line to go next year!).

For me, it really solidified the idea that blogger conferences are a chance to take blogging to the next level. I mean that in more than a professional way. As a mom who blogs and works at home (but worked in an office since I was a preteen until just over a year ago), having the chance to hang with my people is priceless. It goes beyond simple professional development. It’s emotional and personal development.

There aren’t many places where I can have an “I’m Way Cooler on Twitter” button and have people get it. Or even take a picture of it with their iPhone.

Networking both online and in person is Social Networking 3.0. It is the logical next step.

The cool part was that we saw the real life/Twitter life potential before we left for the conference. Amy Lupold Bair — one of my Type-A Moms, my fellow Disney World #magicmoms mom last December, my BlissDom roomie and a good Twitterfriend — agreed to host a Site Warming Party for the redesigned Type-A Mom. (And seriously, if you want to generate interest in your web site or blog, I highly recommend it! #typeamom was the number one trend that night, and I’ve yet to attend one of Amy’s parties that didn’t become the most tweeted tag of the evening).

Since it would be soon after BlissDom, we decided to take advantage of the real-life networking at the conference by getting nice old-fashioned print invitations to pass out at the cocktail parties. We found a great company on Twitter, Delightful Invites or @DELIGHTFULinv. They offered to provide invitations that we could use at BlissDom ’09. How perfect were these to pass out at a cocktail party?

Cheri of Delightful Invites was very helpful and I highly recommend her, and the invitations were crazy adorable.

But bottom line: for my fellow moms or bloggers, try to get to a conference or tweetup or any sort of real life connection with a large group of your social networking sisters or brethren. Yes, you can make friends in real life. But you rarely make friends on such a targeted level. I don’t get to be in a room full of people who get me that well that often. Not only did I get a chance to connect with fellow moms who do what I do: sit by the glow of a monitor and scrape away a living for your family plus fellow bloggers who don’t need an explanation of terms like “wordpress” or “twitterati” or “affiliate marketing.”

I won’t even begin to name off all the cool people I met at BlissDom 09 because I will surely leave off several who are amazing, but just know that it was one of the highlights of my year to meet you amazing ladies (and a couple dudes).

It’s a pretty amazing thing, this merging of online and real life social networking.

That is when it dawned on me that, a while back, LinkedIn nudged me to get my profile there 100 percent complete by getting some recommendations. I didn’t like the idea of an incomplete profile (I’m sure they know that), so I requested a few recommendations. I was stunned at how wonderful the recommendations were. I used them in a brochure about my services.

Before BlissDom, I had a total “duh” moment. I decided to take a few minutes to create a page with some of those recommendations. It looks like this and you can visit my What People Are Saying About Kelby Carr page here.

I also plan to get some sort of a rotator plugin for WordPress so I can pull snippet quotes from these recommendations and place them in my sidebar with a link to the page.

The process of doing this was really simple.

• Get some recommendations (and join LinkedIn if you aren’t already on there). If you already have some LinkedIn recommendations, you are already in great shape. I did, but requested a couple more recommendations before I created the page.
• Grab the quotes and avatars for those who made recommendations and place them on a page. Include their name and title and a link to their site. That is just polite, but it also will catch the attention of those you have linked to if they track their site’s stats or have Google alerts for links to their sites.
• Create a Testimonials page with an intro and each recommendation with picture. Personally, I used a table to place the pictures to the left and the text to the right.
• Promote the testimonials page in your sidebar or add it to your menu.
• Be sure to pay it forward by recommending those who recommended you!

The most common questions I get about social networking, the most frequent dilemmas I hear about, and the most prominent social media mistakes I see are all tied to someone (or a company) with a resistance to these worlds colliding.

People get on Facebook, and they get confused about whether they should friend old high school buddies or business associates. They sign up for Twitter to promote a business, then use their company logo as their avatar and wonder why they get no followers.

Here’s the thing. Even if you want the worlds separate, there is no 100 percent guarantee. You should proceed with the assumption that everyone can see and read everything you do on social networks. Period. Use appropriate caution in what you say and post.

So, once you move past that, just think about it all in real world terms. You don’t go to business meetings and refuse to mention you have a wife or kids. Most of us don’t visit family and zip your lips about what you do for a living. Social networking isn’t much different than real-life networking. It’s no secret, either. Entrepreneurs back in the 1950s knew customers like the personal touch.

Think of some of today’s biggest movers and shakers in the social web, such as Guy Kawasaki, Liz Strauss and Zappos CEO Tony Hsieh. There is one common characteristic. They engage people on a personal level, and they are people first and foremost.

So here is a checklist of five key points to be sure you have made your peace with those business and personal worlds colliding:

1. Have a face – If you are socializing, you do that as a person. You can represent a company, but you are a person first. No one wants to talk to a logo.
2. Talk about your personal life – No, you don’t need to tweet every moment of angst and embarassment, but small hints that you are human are a nice touch.
3. Mingle first – If you join a social network, take some time to feel it out. Don’t just jump in and start bugging people to Digg your site.
4. Ge a giver – Don’t just be there to self-promote or, frankly, it will backfire. Whatever social network you use, be sure you enter it first contributing to the community, not taking. Ask how you can help your followers or friends.
5. Enjoy the colliding worlds – You will probably discover you have business associates who share much in common with you personally, and old high school buddies who would make wonderful customers or clients. Because, you know, people do work and customers are people. Plus, like-minded people tend to have similar interests.

Social networking illustration © Rodolfo Clix.

1. I will not automate my social networking. This is not social networking, everyone. The worst of this, in my opinion, is the auto-direct message on Twitter when I follow someone. Worse yet is when that automatic message suggests I “feel free” to visit their blog or buy their crap.
2. I will give, not take. If you want to be part of a community, you need to contribute to it first. Then you will be welcomed. As you social network, always ask yourself, “What can I do to help my followers/friends/subscribers?” Just like blog kharma, social networking kharma goes a long way. Here’s the cool part. You can give for completely selfish reasons, if that helps you get through it. That’s because I have found every time I give, the social network gives back tenfold. It’s truly a beautiful and amazing thing.
3. I will be a person first. No one wants to talk to a logo or an entity. Even online. It’s OK to be representing your work or your company or a brand. But you should enter the communities of the web as a person first and foremost. Use your face (hey, a real one, not some weird created cartoon avatar). You can obscure your identity with a headshot from an unusual angle or a partial face. Use your name (or at least a pseudonym if you need privacy). Be a person who is promoting something, don’t BE the thing.

What else would you suggest to those who are looking to get a fresh start (or a fresh attitude) for their social networking? And, of course, Happy New Year.

_{Illustration © ilco on sxc.hu}

Happy Festivus, my friends. Here are my official grievances, in 140 characters or less.

typeamom:

#festivus Grievance: people who have tons of followers, follow you, then drop you to inflate their twitter followers… and fragile egos.

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typeamom:

More airing of grievances: I don’t follow people who never @ anyone. Where do you get off thinking you can just talk one way? #festivus

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typeamom:

Another grievance to air? When PR people treat bloggers like second-class citizens. Hey, I did print for 15 years. I’m no HACK! #festivus

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typeamom:

And while I am airing grievances. Where do the grandparents GET OFF thinking we will automatically wrap all their gifts for kids? #festivus

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typeamom:

Airing of grievances shall commence: Wrapping bites the big one. #festivus

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